Just figuring something out about why i always back and forth towards you..
You must be already know that one of BPD traits is having Favorite Person, and i already told you that you will always have a place in my heart when we talk about everything at that place.
I always wondering why you’re my Favorite Person, i thought its because you’re the first guy who treat me right when we’re together.
Looking back now and we already know you’re not treating me right, it just feelsright. Cause it similar to what i know about love look and feels like from my childhood.
After all this time im looking for the reason why you’re my FP, and now its just clicked, i’ll always been a trouble girl since a lil girl and have a lot of anger and always throwing tantrum, before i got diagnosed. And know i know the reason.
Its because you’re the first person who can handle my manic episode so well even before i knew whats wrong with me. And you always there when i needed you, i know its annoying and you probably dont care. But always there even tho i know you probably doesnt always want to be there and have to deal with it.
So, i want to make peace with myself and letting myself to let you go. Thank you, sincerely thankyou so much for having my back and handling me so gentle when i have a manic episode. Im so sorry for all the trouble and wasting your energy and time just to deal with all my mess. Hope you have a good life and stay healthy. Okay! Take care..
I dont know who my next love will be,
but i know he’s warm.
Like my father hugs.
He’s nothing like me but he’s into everything im into.
He doesn’t laugh at my jokes but he’s smiles at my attempts.
And that smile is enough for me.
We do more than spend time together.
We share worlds.
Experiencing moments as one.
And because of that i want to explore this planet with you.
I’ve spent a large part of my past in fear of a future.
But with you,
Tomorrow looks like adventure.
It looks like unfamiliar cities,
Watching sunsets on top of a buildings we aren’t allowed,
Thinking, isn’t it crazy?
How people have ownership over part of a planet that was gifted to all of us.
That we have created borders between land that we have no claim to.
You’ll tell me it is crazy.
Then walk me back to reality, reminding me the world cant be everything i’d like to imagine in my my head.
I imagine love with you feels like being lost,
But knowing exactly where i am.
Because anywhere with you is exactly where i should be.
I’m not sure what my next lover looks like.
But i know we will love like we were the last two people on earth.
And i will remind you how to forget,
About a past that hasn’t treated you as well as our future will.
About a world trying to shape you into something cold.
Both in a wind and in people.
And those people will tell us we’re only young,
That it’ll always easy at this stage.
And we will laugh.
Knowing the happiness we have found is one we have worked for.
And it will defy all odds.
We will show the world how to love again.
To my soulmate, wherever you are.
I have spent a lifetime looking for you.
Without knowledge of how you look, sound or smell.
But i know how you will make me feel.
Sometimes i fear i’ve felt everything i ever will,
But you will show me what it means to feel again.
This is a letter to the lover i have yet find.
I dont know how you look, sound, smell.
But i know you are here.
There’s a day where its really hard to breathe, its like you drowning so deep and you gasping for air just to survive. Cause you dont want to give up so easly on something that make you feel so alive but when it become harder, there’s a thought to just give in and let go so you can be free. But thats the problem, there’s always something that make you hold on to that, either its hope or you just self-destructive cause you dont understand what love is, cause the love you know and you get when youre a child doesn’t look like that. So, either way you’re fucked until you can forgive and accepted every bad thing that happened to you back then, so you can healed and move forward and you will be able to breathe so easily again.
So, please be patience, learn to accept, learn to forgive, cause you know that its not your fault, you’re just a child. There’s a better day coming so you wont feel so hard to breathe again. Just hang on, days like this will pass and you’ll get through it. You’re amazing, and everythings gonna be okay, and you’ll be fine. Thats how!
I dont know what universe hold for me. I feel like everytime i feel happy just for a moment, universe always have away to fuck me over. Its like i can never allowed to feel happy. So, if thats the case, i’ll surrender to whatever it is and just accepted as it is. I once fine, i should be able to be fine after that.
People want to know what it’s like living with borderline personality disorder. It feels like you aren’t living at all, or, you are possibly too alive. You’re a person that feels the highest of high and the lowest low. You’re easily triggered by small things. The way a person looks at their watch while talking to you makes you feel unheard. Someone telling you to think positive for a change makes you feel unseen. People telling you that suicide is for a coward makes you feel misunderstood. You find yourself living somewhat normal, and even happy one day then something triggered you and you quickly abandon everything and anything that you’re close to.
Relationship are the hardest. You find yourself constantly pushing the people you love the most away while the voice in your head are screaming to stop but you cant. And you slowly begin to destroy the relationship you care about the most. A times, you find yourself to be a burden, impossible for anyone to ever love. At times, you shine so brightband feel loved but it can easily turn to dark when you triggered by some small hurtful comment. Anger pulses through your body and you struggle to control the darkness upon yourself. In order to control the pain, you can inflict harm on your body. Telling yourself you deserve it or to prove you’re alive. There is a constant thought of not wanting to live that you carry. At times it feels like a warm blanket. Other times, you feel trapped in a nightmare. Trusting people is difficult. There can be a fear that they will see the real you, the dark you, that you believe is unlovable. Most of the time, you may struggle to know who you really are. It’s difficult to express how you really feel and you end up appearing like a tornado. Destroying relationship and oppoturnities. It can feel like the world is against you and that things are happening to you. Once the tornado has begun, you are hard to reach. You are warrior in a dark forrest with no compass and are unable to tell who the actual enemy is.
So, you nevel feel safe. Once the darkness become strong, you begin to implode, destroying yourself and any trace of you. Then you have two choices, you can reach out for help, or you may attempt a suicide. But as a borderline, you are resilient and you try again. You’ve suffered so deeply, so much of the time. You push on, searching for hope, love, and compassion.
I love you.
I remember where i was the first time i looked at you and realize every moment of my life that leading me to you.
I love the idea about us against this world.
A world thats so fucking hars that will chew you up and spit out and make you feel like you have no place thats your own.
A world where you begin to accept in a crowd of people you’ll still feel completely alone.
A world where a cell phone in your face is more common than a safe place and everyone thinks they know exactly who you are.
But only you and the voice in your head know that isn’t the case.
A world that is absolutely not for the weak-minded.
I remember where i was when i fully accepted i would always navigate this world on my own and no one could even begin to untangle or understand the thoughts in my head.
I fully accepted that i’d go the rest of my life looking at everyone around me know that ther would never really understand me or what was going on inside my head.
That i would probably fall in love with and walk down the aisle one day with someone who didn’t fully understand me.
I just accepted it.
Becase to be honest with you, with a life like mine and a path like the one i’ve walked.
You dont really meet people who understand you. Ever.
You just meet people that pretend to.
And to me, thats what the truest form of love is.
Someone who understand and not just fake understand like a comforting nod or a cliche tumblr quote.
But someone who can look at you from across a room full of people and know exactly what you’re thinking.
I could never speak again and you’d be able to write out what’s in my head.
We could close our eyes and walk through this life completely blind and we’d still manage to take the same steps.
It isn’t just i love you. Its thank you.
Im thankful for everything that’s ever happened to me because it led me straight to you.
Undeniably in front of my face a magnetic connection so strong that even if i didn’t want it, i’d be stuck with it and never forget it.
Thank you for going through every single thing i’ve gone through but ten time worse so that you know exactly what to say to make it all okay.
Thank you for lighting a fire in me that no one else could light a match to.
Thank you for waking up the kid in me and making it all fun again.
Thank you for working so hard that i wake up every single morning thinking if you can do that, so can i.
Thank you for loving me even when it might be so hard to.
Thank you for never ever ever ever giving up on me or losing patience and for always pushing me to be the best version of myself.
Because that is the truest form of love you could give me.
Thank you for walking into my life and showing me who i am with you.
Because i fucking love that girl.
My best ideas are the ones i think of with our brain, and my best self is the reflection i see when i look into your eyes and my best life is one lived by your side.
I spent my entire life thinking i would be too broken to ever match perfectly with someone else.
And i cant even begin to express the joy i felt when i first realize that our two broken pieces fit together perfectly like a fucking puzzle.
You made me realize that its okay if people never understand.
Because when you and i are in sync, we are unstoppable.
The world stop spinning for a second when im standing on your feet.
I’d search the rest of my life for that feeling even if i only got to feel it once.
I love you.
I love you for exactly who you are and every part of yourself that you dont.
I love you at ten years old when you didn’t know unconditional love was.
If i could get in a time machine and show you that i was somewhere in the world feeling the exact same way and one day it would all make sense, i would.
I wish that every moment someone withered away another layer of us, using us, misunderstanding us, lying to us, breaking us, treating us like we weren’t even human that we knew we were one step closer to each other.
I would pick up the pieces of your heart and meticulously glue them back in place over and over again.
Because it mends my soul to mend yours.
You could build a thousand walls but i would know exactly how to climb over every single one.
Home is a feeling and never a place.
I could pick up right now and never go home again as long as im by your side.
I’d give you every last ounce of my youth without thinking twice.
Because i couldn’t spend it better anywhere else.
And i have no idea where this crazy fucking roller coaster is headed.
But i cant look forward because i cant stop looking at you.
Thank you for slow dancing with me while they scream.
I love you.
Baby, the truth is, everyone leaves.
By choice, or because they have to.
You cant stop that, and you cant living your life because you’re scared.
It doesnt matter if someone leaves.
It matters how long they choose to stay;
How much effort they put in.
Everyone leaves hun, everyone.
I know that doesnt make the beginning or the end any easier but,
you always have the middle;
You have all the accomplishment, and the fun.
And the good moments and the bad ones too.
When days get really hard, even the bad memories give you some comfort.
Because you remember the good moment that comes from them.
Hun, you cant be scared of life, you just have to live it.
Bare your soul to the world; thats the beauty of it, you dont know whats going to happen.
I know thats the scary part, but thats also the great part.
You’re going to be okay, its all going to be alright.
And i know you’re afraid, and its okay to be afraid.
Life’s showed you that.
I’ve always been scared, of everything & everyone.
I’ve just… always feared the worst in people.
But one day life showed me that these thinigs happen.
You’re going to meet bad people & you’re gonna understand why natural disasters name after them;
They take the most beautiful place and turn them ugly.
Because whenever you go there, you think of them & you think of the hurt they caused.
But hun, we all grow up, we all get older and we forgive.
Even if we dont notice that we’re forgiving.
One day you wake up and it doesnt hurt as much.
Yess it’ll always be there, but its not the same.
Sometime thats the good thing, sometime thats the best thing that could ever happen.
Just know. whenever you go, whatever you do or whoever you become,
Somebody loves you.
It doesnt even matter if its now or if its tomorrow or if its a year from now.
Someone love you and/or someone waiting to love you.
Someone is waiting to give you all that they have, maybe this situation isnt working out for you now, but maybe the next one will.
I know they say “there isnt always tomorrow”
and i guess they right, there isnt. But at the same time there is.
Despite the bad thing that happen to your life.you have to be content with it, its your life regardless.
We only have one from what we know.
Just go out there. Just…. have fun kiddo.
Have you ever been there?
Have you ever been gone to a place or world where everyone seems to be matter in ways that you dont?
A world where it seems like everyone is important, except you.
Thats sound ridiculous, doesn’t it? Our world like that.
But, have you ever been there?
It’s scary, because doesn’t take much our world to become this world.
A world where you just dont see your purpose or why you matter.
A world where everyone just mean something and you just dont.
A world where you struggle with self-worth.
I have visited this world in multiple occasions, and i still have days when i think i’m the only one.
But whats even more sad is that i’m really not, i’m really not the only one and thats a dangerous thing.
And that made me so increadibly sad.
But whats even more sad is that i’m really not, i’m really not the only one and thats such a dangerous think in someway or another for self-worth.
I call it the hunt, but were hunting the wrong thing.
We are told a countless time that what makes us unique is what makes us important.
And thats what make us apart from the crowd and what we do with it is what give us a purpose.
And then we spend our time comparing ourselves to others because we believe it.
We believe that we have something that others don’t.
And we hunt for whatever that is, constantly comparing ourselves to others in order to find it.
And when we cant find it, our self-worth become issues.
But were all humans, and thats when the hunt stop.
Because self-worth is already there, when you see your relflection especially when you see your flaws.
Its there when you do something, even if what you did was a mistake.
Because that how you know youre human.
And thats makes you in a sense same as everyone else.
Thats not a bad thing, because no one is worth more than anybode else.
The truth is, self-worth is it really hard to find.
We’re just really bad at looking.
And we’re even worse at looking at ourselves because we look for the wrong thing in ourself.
We look for self-worth in what we do right but we cant always be right and we just and up dissapointing ourselves.
And then we look what sets us apart but then we compare ourselves to other people.
We set standards to ourselves that we can never meet.
But we assume other people can.
And thats when self-doubt comes from.
The truth is, when we see others, we see them but we dont really see them.
We dont see their mistake or all that they’ve done or gone through.
We only do that to ourselves because we are ourselves.
And its easy to do that.
What we do wrong stays with us.
And their mistakes dont usually affect us like ours do.
But mistakes make us human.
Thats should comfort you so much because that means you can stop beating yourself up over a mistake you made.
Because we all do it.
And we’re all not that different and we’re all not that unique.
We’re all incredibly flawed and we’re all something extraordinary.
You are human and thats all entirely okay.
I sit in recovery groups, literal circles, and listen to people talk about their feelings. “I couldn’t feel my feelings,” they say, shaking their heads in disbelief, like that explains everything. Or they say, “I can sit with my feelings now, and nod in satisfaction, like it’s all better now. Newcomers confess with their heads […]
00:00
Here it is. My 22 years old is up.
I don’t know where do I start. All I know is, this year I have so much learning. I learn about sad, worry, griev, dissaponted, betrayed, fear, depressed, lost, joy, love, struggle, trust, maybe not almost everything, but all of this is really worth my time.
Did I escape from the feeling that I wanted to replace? With anything I thought could fill the space. I hope I find the quiet nest I want. Do I feel like a big girl? Do I feel like a big girl now? That im out in the big world. I will trade all of my pride for what I’ve lost. I don’t wanna lose this battle. I don’t wanna lose this battle with my thoughts.
I let my fear live long enough to take control of my life. But don’t you scared of the unknown? Because I do. I don’t know what happened to me next. I cant even see myself for 3 months a head. The unknowned who scared the hell out of me for all these time.
I know sometimes my wounds look lilke dont heal, either my wounds or myself who doesn’t wanted to heal. People saying that time heals, maybe I would say agree to disagree for it. Because I believe wounds gonna need time for healing, but if I dont do anything about that wound how can it be heal, right?
I am almost losing myself this year for sure, I didn’t have control a lot of myself this year. I do stupid thing maybe we called it self-destructive. If you ask why I do what I do, maybe I just wanted to feel something, i’ve being so numb about a lot of things. I don’t care what people think, I don’t care about my siblings, about my parents, about my friends, I don’t care about myself either. How pathetic that sounds?
I live my life over and over again, but nothing great happened to me, so I need to feel something because I cant live if I feel nothing.
When my dad get sick, I try to change for the better. And I do change, for a while. I withdrawn myself from the world, I isolated myself for almost two month. Then I started going out again and I lost myself again, and that’s cost me a really bad injuries, I stay at my home for months, until now I don’t have desire to go out. I don’t know whats wrong with me. Even when my mom get sick, I visited her in hospital just once, don’t u see how terrible I am if its involved feeling? I cant deal with feeling.
I know I have a lot of issues, but guess what? Everyone too. I want to be someone who can get rid of their issues so easly. But the fact is I cant, I don’t know how to deal with all of my issues, but im promise I will try my best to be the best version of myself.
So here I am, hoping that this year I can be better. I wanna make this year all about recovery, I want people see how struggle I am to get rid of my issues, and hoping the best for me until I can make peace with all of my issues. I want to thanking god but I don’t know, I got the feeling that god doesn’t keep tabs on me. So, thanks for mom and dad, for taking care of me all these years, for always be there for me when I needed, thanks for my siblings too. Thanks for all of my friends who always listening to my dark thoughts and for keeping me up when im in the darkest time of my life. Thanks for everyone who came to my life for all the lesson that I get.
Happy birthday to me, don’t lose yourself in the process okey? I know you are stronger than anything. Keep your chin up no matter what happened. Live your live the way you wanted to live it. If you survive going through hell, you wil survive everything. I know you do. So, don’t let youself down, don’t give yourself up. Keep your smile even when you are sad. Keep the light on in your mind, in your heart. Don’t let the darkness win, you are better than this. You are stronger than this. I believe you can conquer everythings, someday. Just keep on living, okey? Stay alive, do whatever you can to stay alive.
Last but not least. Happy birthday, sad little girl.
Many Shades Of Black 